i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
