we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
