I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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