I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
