Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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