sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
