plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
