I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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