FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
