u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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