Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
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