I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
