I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
