it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
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