A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
