Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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