would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
