i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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