12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
