I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
