Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
