3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
