i used baking grease as lip gloss
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
whose parrot is this?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
