it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Randomize
