Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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