If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
