oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
