Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Randomize
