I met the friendliest cop last night
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
