So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I could make wine with my vomit
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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