I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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