Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
