Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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