please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Randomize
