OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
