Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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