If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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