You did not just play the dead husband card again.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
