so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
where does the pee come out of this thing
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
