I'm sorry my penis didn't work
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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