John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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