Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
