Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
You should frame my arrest warrant.
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