I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
