Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
