My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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