He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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