I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
