Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
