It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
