Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
