You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
