Pappa wants mamma naked
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
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